Hey, NASA! I've Got the Right Stuff!

   

     It's been a very stressful year. God, I need to get away, give myself time to relax. There are so many options, though: hiking among flower-strewn meadows, a swim in a pristine mountain lake, or how about combing through a color-splashed tide pool?

    Meh. All nice, but for my money, I cannot think of anything that offers more in the way of blissful escape than to float around in the quiet seclusion of outer space.

     Yep. I've decided. I'm applying to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to become an astronaut!

     Okay, I know what you're thinking, but before you say, "Give it up, Earth Girl. NASA doesn't want your kind," let's take a look at their online application. You might be surprised to know that I do, in fact, have the right stuff.

    Here's what NASA wants and where I stand:

• Age: Although there's no age restriction, most astronauts are 26-46 years old. Yes. I'm pushing the outer limits here. But after a good, solid 10 hours of sleep, a thick coating of age-defying cream, and when seen in very dim light, I could pass for 52. I was told that once, and it's something that I cling to it like chewing gum to a shag rug. Let's check YES to Meets Age Requirement.

• College Degree: Any degree is okay, says NASA. It just so happens that a lot of astronauts are engineers, biologists, physicists, computer scientists. In other words, space is crawling with science geeks. It's high time NASA considered a more diverse team. With me on board, we'd have a lot more family fun time. After a rousing game of Charades or Trivia, I'd make sure my little charges ate their freeze-dried veggies and got tucked into their space bunks. I've definitely got the kind of experience NASA needs. This one gets a resounding YES.

• Medical Condition: The only thing it says is that I'd have to be free of any disease or physical limitation that would prevent me from participating. I am pretty healthy for someone who could pass for 52. Another big YES.

• Flying Experience: Not necessary, but they do look for someone who's been a jet pilot or has related experience. Related experience? I've got that in spades. Have you ever flown with toddlers? Well, I have, and let me tell you, there is nothing more demanding or that requires more focus and patience than sitting with a 6-month-old on a no-seats-assigned flight to San Diego. Flying experience? Give that one a YES.

• Salary: They pay between $64 and $144k per year. It's a bit skimpy, but what with the book deals, cross-marketing, and movie options, I might be able to make ends meet.

     For Christmas this year, I received an anti-gravity pen. You know, the kind that writes upside down. The packaging says that it's the same technology used in outer space. Tell you what, I'll send you a note next year postmarked Mars.