Sunday, July 31, 2011

5 Pet Peeves That Contribute to the Demise of My World

The world’s a messy place. Entire countries have gone into default, and our own is headed in that direction. Unemployment runs rampant while greedy Wall Street types just take more for themselves. Grrr.

Such woes are heavy indeed, but they pale in comparison to the things that vex me and affect my world:

1. Clerks who jam a printed receipt, cash and change into my hand all at once. I’ve got a bag, a purse, a food tray and maybe a small dog in one hand, and now I’m grasping a giant wad of paper in the other. What am I supposed to do? Pull out my mutant third arm?

2. People who make hackneyed statements such as:
“Well, at least it’s a dry heat.” or
“I never watch television.”
If you must make weather observations or discuss your ridiculous lack of entertainment good sense, then at least come up with something original:
“This must be a preview to the crematorium.” or
“I prefer nightly performances of mime Shakespeare in the round.”

3. Louts who don’t take care of their pets, who leave them alone penned in the yard with no food or shade. If you don’t have the time or inclination to care for an animal, don’t get one. At all. Ever. I mean it.

4. Celebrities who want attention on their terms. You got into show biz to be seen and heard. Right? Sorry, it doesn’t go both ways. When the chips are down, we, your public, don’t turn off our interest. We ramp it up.

5. Drivers who take forever to exit a parking spot. C’mon. Are you leaving or are you living there? Why do you get in, turn on the engine, and wait. It’s not a space shuttle launch. Move it!

Bonus Peeve. Grouchy folks who complain about everything—drivers, neighbors, politics, etiquette, and cable companies.

Golly, I believe I’m now peeved at myself.

Friday, July 1, 2011

How Oprah's Life and Mine Are the Same

I always thought it uncanny how similar Oprah’s life and mine are. Although she recently retired, Oprah Winfrey’s as busy as ever in the role of Mother Confessor to the likes of O.J. and Fergie. No, not that Fergie, the less fortunate sister-in-law to Princess Di Fergie.

In fact, we're so alike, you just may find yourself telling me things no one should know.

Look Under Your Seats!
Oprah: When she’d shout this mania-inducing phrase, her studio audience went nuts. They’ll reach down and find a fab gift -- could be a first edition novel or a brand new smart phone.
Me: When I shout, “Look under your seat!” there’s either a mouse or a big, hairy spider about to crawl up your leg.

The Book Club
Oprah: She made reading fashionable when she chatted up the wonders of the written word. Book clubs formed around the world based on her book recommendations.
Me: My girlfriends and I finally gave up the quaint notion of reading books en masse. Our merry group meets to sip wine, gossip and eat. Is there really anything else?

My Favorite Things
Oprah: Oprah indulges herself and her friends in once-in-a-lifetime vacations, lavish spa treatments, and expensive cars.
Me: My favorite things include the ability to pay my monthly bills, the discovery of clean towels when I step from the shower, and the joy of a full tank of gas.

Weighty Issues
Oprah: She’s famously battled weight, and we’ve watched every pound lost and then regained, all with assistance from celebrity chefs and trainers. It looks like Oprah’s finally settled into a comfortably “healthy” look.
Me: I’m famous for consistently maintaining the same dumpy shape through the decades -- without help from anyone. I've settled for the body of Susan Boyle.

Meteoric Rise to Fame and Power
Oprah: She went from hometown TV gal to the most influential woman in show biz. She’s got wealth, power, fame and the ability to connect with just about anyone.
Me: I’m the hometown gal who’s the most influential woman in --. Okay, maybe this is where Oprah and I part ways.

Good luck to Oprah in her retirement. I only hope she can now relax and find her own way without looking to me for inspiration!