Advice to Nouveau Poor . . . From Old Poverty

Huge investment returns. The home value explosion. Outrageous profit sharing.

I never cashed in on any of these, never had wealth, not even in boom times. My lifestyle (if that’s what you call a 10-year-old minivan and a trip to Target) hasn’t changed much over the decades.

But I’m one of the lucky ones. You see, I’m Old Poverty, and I have wisdom accumulated from years of hardship. Wisdom and advice I’m willing to share with those of you who find yourselves among the Nouveau Poor.

You sorry bastards: I’ve watched as you struggle to adjust downward. From multi-million dollar homes, sexy business deals and Cristal sipped from the bellies of super-models, you’ve been reduced to the suburbs, haggling at flea markets and gulping domestic beer.

Forget those tired money-saving tips--from dropping your latte habit to clipping coupons. Here are some fresh ideas to help you make ends meet.

Colonoscopy as Spa Treatment
At a certain age, your doctor will order a colonoscopy. Don’t dread it, love it. It’s really a lovely spa treatment paid for by your insurance premiums. You’ll begin the treatment bloated and tired, but emerge cleansed and relaxed. Nice.

Embrace the Inside-Out Look
Why limit yourself to showing only one side of your clothes? Here’s a cool and exciting angle—the other side. This turned-inside-out, two-fer trend saves money on clothes purchases and on laundry soap. Cha-ching.

DIY Dentistry
You can’t always count on insurance to pay for everything, like removing spare organs you might want to sell for quick cash. But you can jump on the DIY, or Do-It-Yourself, craze and perform your own expensive dental procedures at home, for FREE.

Don’t Call it (yawn) a Staycation. Call it a Faux Mexican Holiday.
A little imagination, a lot of iced-cold margaritas, perhaps a quick hit off of your sister-in-law’s medical mary-ja-wanna, and you’re sailing your way down to sunny Meheco. Add a hot, shade-less backyard, a lawn chair and a straw hat. Hola, Senor Vacation.

Your ticket to paradise begins here.

Put a Stake in It: Vampire Trend Just Won’t Die

Just when I thought America’s appetite for vampire blood had finally been satiated, along comes a new summer TV program, The Gates. It’s a show about vampires living in a gated community.

Played-out blood sucking subject aside, why would vampires feel the need to live in a safe and secure neighborhood anyway? It’s as backward as Tony Soprano refusing to remove his mattress tag for fear of jail time.

Maybe this new breed of gated vampires:
• Fear undesirables will break in and steal their organ music CD mix.
• Believe non-vampires won’t comply with CC&Rs forbidding garlic in household herb gardens.
• Worry that regular mortals will become suspicious when they celebrate another 225th birthday with a bounce-house party.

Many Americans are fascinated with vampires. I’m just puzzled at their staying power.

Here’s why I’d never make a good vampire:
• I’m damnably cheerful when it’s sunny.
• Collared capes don’t flatter my body type.
• I just spent thousands on painful orthodontic work, and I’m loath to waste it.
• UFC needs the blood more than I do.