10 Ways I've Turned Into My Teenage Son

I’ve reached that “certain age,” the one in which my female body and brain have morphed into someone else, someone who is a flabbier, more dull-witted facsimile of my former fabulous self.

Right along with me, my son has also reached a “certain age,” one in which his male body and brain have changed.

During this period of transformation, nature has converged in a way that makes my 19-year-old and I closer in more ways than either of us would like to admit.
1. Facial Hair
He’s sprouted whiskers on his chin.
I pluck my upper lip.
2. Voice
His is that of a man now.
I’m mistaken for James Earl Jones when I answer the phone.
3. Sleep Habits
He’s up until 3 a.m.
I awaken during the wee hours and toss restlessly.
4. Fuzzy Thinking
He can’t figure out how to feed the dog and flush the toilet within the same four-hour period of time.
I can’t figure out how to cook and photo text my culinary creations at the same time.
5. Weight Gain
He’s grown into a handsome, well-muscled young man, as nature intended.
My gut and caboose have grown into unwanted and unattractive lumps as a joke played by nature.
6. Blemishes
Hormones have caused his skin to sprout the occasional blemish.
Hormones have caused my skin to sprout numerous brown spots.
7. Poor driving habits
He whizzes around corners and rolls through stop signs with wild abandon.
I cut off vehicles and straddle two parking spaces with the eyesight of a “mature” woman.
8. Desire for independence
He dreams of moving into his own place and making his own decisions.
I dream of moving to a tropical island and letting someone else figure things out.
9. Piques of anger
He gets frustrated and angry at navigating the world of auto insurance, college grant applications and IKEA assembly instructions.
I get frustrated and angry at the cost of auto insurance, that we can never seem to be poor enough to qualify for the really big grants and that Scandinavian symbology isn’t as easy as the Swedes think it is.
10. Likes Girls
He loves the opposite sex, and would rather be with his girlfriend.
I, too, would rather spend time with my girlfriends.