Where's the Fire, Dude? 5 Reasons Someone Would Buy My Mini-van

He peeled away in my 13-year-old mini-van. I stood there on the sidewalk, blinking, counting my money, and wondering Where’s the fire, dude?

This should have been like any other modern-day Craigslist transaction.

Me:     I have an old mini-van to sell.

You:   Have money to give me for said mini-van.

But something felt off. He pulled up in this really big and expensive Mercedes Benz. He stepped out wearing snazzy leather loafers, NO socks, and flashed a shiny tough guy ring. When I greeted him, his lip curled, he looked around the neighborhood and sniffed. Hey, c’mon, man. I live here!

“I want a vehicle for my wife!” his voice rumbled.

He must not like his wife very much.

As an occasional reader of mysteries and a sometimes-fan of Criminal Minds, I knew I had to surrender to my instincts.

He was too eager and too willing to overlook the stained carpet, broken door handle, inoperable AC, cracked windshield, and myriad dings, scratches and dents. He wanted this hunk of junk and badly!

But why?

The Obvious

1. Dispose of his dead wife’s body. Duh!

2. Run illegal drugs, guns or fancy pants men’s shoes across the border. No brainer!

The Cool

3. Drive it out into the desert, set it on fire, and gleefully watch it burn as part of a man weekend ritual. Awesome!

The Absurd

4. MoFo Food Truck that specializes in soccer family fare: apple wedges in little baggies and  juice boxes. Been there, done that!

5. Undercover police vehicle used in prostitution sting operations at  the Wal-Mart parking lot. Now, we’re talking!

I Disavow Any Knowledge

To my knowledge, California law doesn’t require the seller to verify lawful, moral or acceptable use of a vehicle after the transaction is complete.

I wave, take the money, and run.