Comcast Is My Pusher. Their Internet Is My Drug.

Vile Comcast is my pusher. Their Internet and television service is my nicotine-laced crack. I have to have it, whenever I need it, which is every day and sometimes in the middle of the night.

Comcast knows I’m jonesin’ bad for it.

They Call the Shots
Because Comcast has the upper hand, they capriciously and maliciously provide service when it’s convenient for them, not when I’m pleading, wild-eyed and in a cold sweat.

What I’d Love to Tell Comcast
I pay vile Comcast for 24-hour service. These are the responses I’d love to give them when I report that they’ve, once again, broken their end of the bargain.

Comcast: We’re experiencing a higher than normal call volume. Please be patient while our next rep becomes available.
My Response: I’m experiencing a higher than normal debt volume. Please be patient while I scrape together your payment.

Comcast: Is your cable box plugged in?
My Response: You people came out here and installed the equipment. It’s your cable box. YOU tell me!

Comcast: We value you as a customer. Please hold the line.
My Response (decades later): Since my initial contact, Bill Gates’ great-grandson has perfected telepathic communication. I know what you’re thinking. Stop it!

Comcast: Get a bobby pin, find the reset button located at the back of the cable box, and push until the lights blink. It should come right back on.
My Response: **CENSORED ** NOT FIT FOR A FAMILY BLOG. ** CENSORED**

Comcast: A storm has caused an outage in your area. We are aware of the problem. There is no need for you to report it at this time.
My Response: What storm? We just got .025 inches of rain. This gives me little confidence your equipment will withstand the rigors of a notorious Central Valley pollen alert.

Calling Dr. Rehab. Oh, Yeah, I Can’t. I Don’t Have Phone Service.
I need help to kick this cable habit. My next call should be to Dr. Drew, Rehab Doctor to the Stars, but my phone service is out. Vile Comcast.