Just when I thought America’s appetite for vampire blood had finally been satiated, along comes a new summer TV program, The Gates. It’s a show about vampires living in a gated community.
Played-out blood sucking subject aside, why would vampires feel the need to live in a safe and secure neighborhood anyway? It’s as backward as Tony Soprano refusing to remove his mattress tag for fear of jail time.
Maybe this new breed of gated vampires:
• Fear undesirables will break in and steal their organ music CD mix.
• Believe non-vampires won’t comply with CC&Rs forbidding garlic in household herb gardens.
• Worry that regular mortals will become suspicious when they celebrate another 225th birthday with a bounce-house party.
Many Americans are fascinated with vampires. I’m just puzzled at their staying power.
Here’s why I’d never make a good vampire:
• I’m damnably cheerful when it’s sunny.
• Collared capes don’t flatter my body type.
• I just spent thousands on painful orthodontic work, and I’m loath to waste it.
• UFC needs the blood more than I do.
You also wouldn't make a good vampire because they enjoy sleeping in coffins. . .sometimes with skeletons . . . argggggh!
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